She’s My Best Friend’s Girl

My buddy Brian and I have a lot in common. We both went to the same grad school. We both got married within a week of each other. We both got divorced about the same time. We are both grateful that we are not married to the ones we divorced. We both have off the wall, Jim Carryish insane, George Carlin on acid type of humor. And we both think his girlfriend is really hot!
I’m not telling you anything he doesn’t know. He agrees with me. She is! The real question that everyone is asking, “How the BLEEP did that happen?” Even he is asking that question! (He gave me the BLEEP line as I was writing!) We have come up with several theories that I feel I should share with you so that they next time you see a couple that reminds you of Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie, Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovette or Brian and Christine, you will have a few one liners to use.
  • She must be doing community service for her tie-dying kittens offense.
  • Her lasik didn’t take! 
  • Laughter is more important than looks.
  • She should never have volunteered for to be at the top of that cheerleading pyramid in high school. She never recovered from the subdural hematoma!
  • She likes big shoes and big gloves!
  • But he is butt ugly… I mean really nice.
  • Short and chubby is what turns her on!
  • She was bounced on her head from a third story nuclear reactor in an attempt to create a new super hero as a baby.
  • Kindness to strange men is her super power.
  • There is an evil plot afoot that makes all the really hot women fall for the really dorky guys caused by a synthetic retro virus designed in a secret lab in the sub basement of MIT’s genetic research consortium.
  • One word: hypnosis!

I hope these will help you as much as they help me. Well I hope they help you much more than they help me because I still don’t know how the BLEEP he got her and she is still my best friend’s girl.

Sherlock

There are certain things in life that are sacred. You do not mess with classic movies that are in black and white and colorize them to make them look more modern. There are few things worse that watching Bogart say, “Play it, Sam” while looking like Tom and Jerry should be running around at his feet. Do not ever, ever let a teenager drive when you have had one too many beers. It is hard enough to focus on the road, the sidewalk, trees and large land masses that tend to get in the way of teenager drivers when you are cold sober. Letting a teenager drive when you’re drunk can cause a heart condition in a totally healthy person. (Not that I have ever done that.) But the greatest mistake you can make is to remake a classic piece of literature with a modern twist. How tacky!

I don’t know about you but I have found that most times those interpretations are at best amusing attempts at appealing to the masses in appalling messes. The modern attempt at Romeo and Juliet with Leo DiCaprio was a good try but looked more like a goof try to me. The Street King was an attempt at retelling the Bard’s tale of Richard III with a gangsta feel that should have reconsidered it’s colors. The modern treatment of The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde in the BBC show Jekyll actually worked well but still left me wanting more. I know I sound like your grandpa and you are thinking that I have a closed mind for such new fangled notions. You would have been right until I saw Sherlock.

Before you make any judgments on my opinions please understand that I have read every story by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle that features the beautiful mind of the obsessive compulsive character of Sherlock Holmes. There was always a dry, British wit to the consulting detective that I found intriguing. The classics characterization by Basil Rathbone and more modern (that means: in color) version by Jeremy Brett are my favorites. Robert Downey, Jr has done a good job, too! Some have tried modern treatments but few have succeeded until now.

The sense of humor appeals to my nature instead of appalling it. There are several lines that really jump off the screen and I feel the need to share them with you since you may have missed them or missed the entire show. It is on PBS so I understand how you may not have seen it. 
Sherlock: Shut up.  
Lestrade : I didn’t say anything.
Sherlock
: You were thinking. It’s annoying.
Sherlock: I’m not a psychopath, Anderson, I’m a high-functioning sociopath, do your research.  
Sherlock: Look at you lot, you’re all so vacant. Is it nice not being me? It must be so relaxing. 
Watson: Have you talked to the police? Sherlock: Four people are dead. There’s no time to talk to the police.
Watson
: So why are you talking to me?
Sherlock: Mrs. Hudson took my skull.

Watson
: So I’m basically filling in for the skull?
Sherlock
: Relax, you’re doing fine.
The writing is amazing and I’m not just saying that because these are the same people who write Doctor Who. It really is phenomenal. Check it out on Netflix or PBS or the BBC. You really don’t know what you are missing. (And no I do not get any money for this endorsement. It is solely for your edification but if the BBC wants to toss a few coppers my way I won’t complain.)

An I.Q. of Soup

If you have never taken the opportunity to watch people at WalMart then you are missing out! We looked at WalMartians a while back and had a laugh at those people. Today I had a new experience in my neighborhood Wallyworld that inspired me to write. There are a very few rare occasions when you meet someone who has the uncommon combination of humor, charm and intellect. Those moments are best spent engaging in conversation around the true and trending topics of today. It is through these moments that we find new ways to better ourselves and our outlooks on virtually everything. Don’t you love it when those things happen? I was in WalMart. That didn’t happen.

I had the opposite experience. This very nice woman walked up to me and, dressed as I was in a suit and tie, she asked me if I worked there. Did you catch that? I was in WALMART wearing a SUIT and TIE! How many times have you been in the garden section of WalMart and the courtesy clerk saunters over to you in a Brooks Brothers, double breasted, grey pin-striped suit to help you load your forty pound bag of lamb and goat manure into your Prius? It was then that I realized that this was not an employee of the Oak Ridge National Labs Nuclear Science World Domination division. (Yes I made that up… or did I?) An evil person would take advantage of this poor woman who had the I.Q. of soup. We are not talking Campbell’s Chunky Sirloin Burger here. Think off brand cream of celery. I looked her right in the eyes and said, “Yes ma’am. How can I help you?” What can I say? I was bored.

She was looking at the Fruit Loops with a perplexed look on her face. She had gotten distracted and then lost. Don’t ask me. I have no idea how she ended up at General Mills when she was looking for Glidden. After guiding her from the cereal section to the paint section where she really wanted to be, we began to discuss the correct colors for the room of a child with A.D.H.D. She had read an article that discussed the concept of creating more stimulation at home to help the child “burn off” some of his energy so they could study better at school. My thought was that medications like Ritalin, Focalin, or Metadate, combined with a generous usage of a Taser would be the better choice. However, I did not want to discourage this lovely lady from her constant conversation with me even though I hardly said a word. There are times when you just have to listen to the other person because you care, are interested, and are speechless at the words being spewed forth on a topic that is so asinine that you cannot believe those particular words are being used in that particular combination. After we found the high gloss paint that needed to be dyed a shade called Brilliant Rose (imagine bright pink on acid) I helped her load her cart and escorted her to the checkout. I bid her farewell and thanked her for shopping at WalMart.

What can I say? Some days I just need to be helpful! And entertained. Yeah. I needed to be entertained.