Fumes

It has been my great privileged over the years to enjoy some very arresting aromas in the form of the fabulous fragrances of females. It has also be my misfortune to suffer through some assaulting aromas that were intended for harm by some femme fatales. The purpose of this blog is to give guidance to gals guaranteeing the good graces of the guys. (I dare to to say that sentence five times fast!)

Ladies please take careful note of the following suggestions to avoid fragrance faux pas. (By the way, “faux pas” is French for “DON’T EVER WEAR THAT STINKY STUFF AGAIN!!! or something like that.)

  • Perfumes named after flowers should be avoided unless you are trying to attract bees or hummingbirds.
  • DO NOT buy perfume named after a celebrity who is not old enough to buy their own alcohol! They have not lived long enough to know what smells good.
  • If people run from you shouting, “Le pew!” that means that the perfume called “Pepe” is not named for an eccentric supermodel but a cartoon skunk.
  • Any perfume that leaves a visible vapor trail may not be the best choice for catching men unless you are trying to poison Batman.
  • Anything that is named after a vegetable that no one really likes should be avoided: Beetroot!
  • A perfume that refers to bodily fluids may not be the most appealing choice. Secretions is a real French perfume. Perhaps they should stick to snails, towers and fries.
  • If you are trying to pick up a toddler then there is a Play-Doh perfume that is right for you. If you like those of us with big boy pants then you may want to reconsider.
  • For those of you who like getting guys who never leave the couch, have a happy, distant look on their faces, and cannot keep a job that does not include the phrase, “Do you want fries with that?” then the Cannabis Flower fragrance is just right for you. If you want someone who is not a perpetual stoner then don’t take a hit off that one.

These are just a few tips for you ladies out there. Now remember that we guys know what we like in a cologne for us: Beer!

Politics

I want you to understand that I am a registered independent when it comes to politics. Equal opportunity offending is what I shoot for since I don’t entirely agree with either of the mainline parties in the United States. Both have their strengths and weaknesses. Now before you make comments or send me e-mails about why your party is best or why I’m an idiot or a fence sitter, please understand that I don’t care. My goal is to make fun of politicians regardless of their affiliation.

In case you needed reasons (which I know you don’t) to not trust politicians, here are a few of my thoughts and a few of their quotes.

  • Look at the word: “Poli” which means many and “tics” which are blood suckers.
  • “If pro is the opposite of con then progress must be the opposite of Congress.” – Mark Twain
  • Many politicians are lawyers. Need I say more?
  • Have you ever seen them on TV? They all look like used car salesmen or televangelists with bad toupes.
  • They asks questions like, “What does ‘is’ mean?”
  • “I didn’t inhale.” – Bill Clinton
  • “Anyone engaging in illegal financial transactions will be caught and persecuted.” – George W. Bush
  • “Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman’s power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.” – Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary  
  • “What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?” —Marion Barry
  • “I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan
  • “I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.” – Dan Quayle

 The next time you are watching a political commercial just remember how much harder it would be to do a monologue on late night tv or write a blog without them.