Ladies please do not take offense but I like being a guy. There are many reasons and I may write other blogs if any of you actually like this one. I decided to start with the easiest and future topics will cover the more delicate issues. This one is about the bathroom! I do not claim all of these as original but some of them I think I made up!
- The world is my urinal. Trees and fire ant hills are the best! Do not get to close to the fire ant hills though.
- I do not need someone else to go with me when I need to go and would not go if another guy asked me if I needed to. I can hold it!
- Two words: Stadium troughs.
- The lines are shorter at public restrooms.
- Aim or not aiming. It is freedom in its truest form!
- If a guy is in a stall with the door locked you know what is happening and that haste should be made in your departure.
- Guy bathroom etiquette: Eyes front. No conversation. Move on.
- Potpourri, extra mirrors and actually couches are not allowed.
I hope these have helped you share my joy in being a male of the species. If you don’t like them then I’m sure I can find something in Freud to explain it.
Next time: Reasons women have more power than men!
There are a few differences in the linguistic traditions of the British Empire and those of us on this side of the pond in the Colonies. Translation: The English say things in a funny way! But we still love them! If I were to drive a lorry up, take a lift and talk to a frog on the way to your flat, you would wonder what drugs I was on in America. However, in London you would think I drove a truck, got on an elevator, spoke to a Frenchman and went to your apartment. Isn’t the second one a lot easier?
Those make a little bit of sense to me. A lift instead of an elevator actually makes more sense since it save time and three syllables. A flat instead of an apartment is better because they are not apart but all squished together and they are supposed to be flat, There was this one apartment I had in college that was not flat. I caught the mice spreading flower in the hall and trying out their tiny little skis on a black diamond slope. And frog instead of Frenchman makes sense because they eat lots of frog legs – or so I have heard – and you know that you are what you eat. Could we also call them snails due to the eating of escargot? And lorry is just… well… hmmm… I knew a Lori who was a trucker.
There is one British word that makes no sense to me: chips. In America, chips come in a bag and are typically made of potatoes, corn, blue corn, vegetables, meat or anything else we can slice thin and drop in a vat of boiling oil. In England a chip is a slice of potato that is dropped in a vat of boiling oil which fries them giving them their name in America: fries. They used to be called French fries but then people thought they were made of frogs and we stopped calling them French or something like that. At least we have the same medieval torture cook set in common. An American chip is called a crisp in England which in America is a chip that has been ground up, processes, and made to look like a uniform kind of chip. Slicing seems easier to me but they didn’t check with me before making them.
Why are chips not fries? Why are fries not chips? I have a theory that either MI6 or the CIA has a plot to keep us speaking the same basic language but adding in the subtle little differences to keep us doubtful and suspicious of one another so that we will continue to work together but not get so comfortable that we forget that we are different countries. I think the dental care in America will continue to make that distinction without the resulting word war of the secret societies.
I have a solution. Take all the words that are used in Britain that we don’t understand and put them in the same category that we do southern words that make no sense either. Consider that as you are pushing your buggy through the Kroger looking for greens and hog jowls.
Gore Vidal once said: “Any American who is prepared to run for President should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from every doing so.” Why would anyone want that job? There is high pressure. Constant criticism. One party or the other is going to hate you all the time and then your own political party will hate you half the time. But I really believe we need a good person in the office of the president. Even times when I have not liked the person serving there I have enjoyed the humor they give us by being themselves. Here are a few things to consider as we face an election year.
”Now I even let down my key core constituency: movie stars. Just the other day, Matt Damon — I love Matt Damon, love the guy — Matt Damon said he was disappointed in my performance. Well Matt, I just saw the Adjustment Bureau so right back at you buddy.” – Barak Obama
That had to hurt!
”These stories about my intellectual capacity really get under my skin. You know, for a while I even thought my staff believed it. There on my schedule first thing every morning it said, ‘Intelligence Briefing.” – George W. Bush
I wonder if it helped any?
”Being president is like running a cemetery: you’ve got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening.” – Bill Clinton
Am I the only one who appreciates the person under him who wasn’t listening is now Secretary of State?
”For seven and a half years I’ve worked alongside President Reagan. We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We’ve had some sex…uh…setbacks.” – George H. W. Bush
Does the sex count under the triumphs or mistakes?
Sure! He could remember that but the Contras were over for tea and he couldn’t remember their names.
How about “Twist and Shout” as he fell over the trombone player?
”If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‘President Can’t Swim.”’ – Lyndon Johnson
Or if he did swim it would say: “President Caught Breastroking.”
I hope you have found these great presidential proposals perfectly pleasing. It was fun making fun of them.