Cloths Make the Person?

Have you ever noticed that some items of clothing are just wrong? I’m not talking about the ones that are obvious like Speedos on an overweight man or spandex on anyone who is not a supermodel. Let’s consider the many failures of fashion that have been foisted on fragile frames.

The first and most blatant sin comes in the form of hospital gowns. It will always remain a mystery to me why you are taken to a place where you are supposed to heal from physical maladies but subjected to emotional and mental torture by wearing a garment that seems to have been designed by perverted sociopaths. Someone has a sick sense of humor making them so that a well person can’t even put them on easily. Am I the only one who feels like they are begging to be molested when wearing those? They are wrong!
Another thing that still makes me wonder after 30 years is leg warmers. For those of you who do not know what they are I will elaborate. Imagine someone wearing tights that offer no protection from cold so a new clothing item was created to keep the much maligned calf area comfy. They are a basically sleeves for your legs. Yeah. I know. They were stupid back then too but Olivia Newton John made them look good somehow. I still remember the day Milton wore them to school. I shudder with the memory. Personally I blame excessive use of coke and X for the brain damage that lead to this lunacy. On a related topic can someone explain the headbands that cover the ears? They just seem odd to me.
Now for one that no one wants to talk about but we all are secretly living in fear of: granny panties! Now I know that you are as concerned by this as I am. Who thought of these? It must have been sexually frustrated nuns who did not want anyone else looking sexy either. Have you ever seen these in the Sears catalog? Even as a hormonal teenager they didn’t do anything for me. Who thinks a pair of undies that can serve as an emergency rain poncho looks good? I mean really. Ok. Maybe grannies but no one should wear them prior to retirement. If you are wearing them right now and do not have an AARP card please go to Victoria’s Secret as soon as possible.
Thank you for making changes to your wardrobes to get away from these Abercrombie abominations. Please excuse me while I change out of my lime green leisure suit and into my paisley sweats.