There are times when it is a moral imperative that you say something that will make people look at you as if you have two heads – one of which is drooling butterscotch pudding and one that has that slightly alarmed but amused look you have when you see an ax murderer sneaking up behind a politician. Those moments of random sayings are perfect for conversations with your parents about poor life decisions. Why they ever thought leisure suits were a good idea was a mystery to me as a teen who was wearing a Don Johnson Miami Vice white linen suit with hair so spiky I had to carry liability insurance for the risk of accidental impalement. It is also a handy skill to have for those moments when you are pulled over on your scooter by law enforcement officials who ride their bicycles with the little ring-ring thumb bells instead of sirens. Or maybe you just want to confuse that college prof who says things that make no sense and expect you to say, “Wow, dude. That’s deep.” I like to say, “Wow, douche. That makes as much sense as the nipples on Batman’s body armor.”

In an effort to assist those who are not naturally random, I have made a list of suggested responses to any of those or similarly asinine askance articles of arrogance.

  • You know I think Congress is considering a bill on that topic. Or was it a bill on the rights of pet rocks to file for bankruptcy and legal separations from their delinquent owners who have left them along trails all over the Appalachian Trail in an attempt to make them look like natural occurring stones to avoid having to pay rock support.
  • In an amazing coincidence I heard that very topic being discussed by Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Ozzy Osborne on Rush Limbaugh just the other day.
  • Are you sure you and I are speaking the same language? You seem to be speaking rectumese and your breath does smell like a fart brought on by a chili-cheese burrito, three raw eggs that were laid in 1987, a burning tire from a ’78 Civic, and the boxers of Jeff Gordon after a crash at Daytona.
  • There are only two words that can even come close to describing my utter ambivalence on this issue: Tuba and shoehorn.
  • Are you sure you want to have this battle of wits? I mean let’s be fair about this. I’m an intelligent human being and you are something that crawled out of a primordial ooze made of strawberry-banana Jell-O, llama urine, a bar of lye soap, eighteen used shock absorber boxes, and eighty-three pieces of chewed Bazooka Bubble Gum.
  • Some days you’re the windshield. Some days you’re the bug. Some days you’re the squeegee that cleans up the mess. Some days you’re just that little crack in the windshield that is far enough out of the way so it doesn’t create a hazard to driving but is close enough that you see it ever time you drive and it is making you nuts wondering how it got there and won’t go away so that is invades your dreams at night and even makes an appearance on your blog for no good reason.
  • Are you the person my mom warned me about? She said I would meet someone someday that made me think my younger brother – who smelled of stale lice spray, likes to put potatoes and gravy in his thong, and had this habit of farting at the dinner table when we had rump roast – was really not the dumbest person I ever met.

I hope these random things come in handy when you are speaking to those who deserving of a mind blowing and soul altering tormenting for no other reason than they had the gall to be born and annoy you.