Okay people. It is the end of February and we are less than a month away from Spring. (Imagine a trumpet fanfare at the sound of that lovely word.) This morning it was 20 degrees outside. I’m not talking about Celsius either! 20 Celsius is something like 70F or 87.34F or maybe the surface of the sun for all I know. Hey, I’m American. We don’t get that whole metric system thing. A system based on tens? That is just crazy! Zero as the freezing point of water and 100 as the boiling point? Come on! That is just silly. Everyone knows that 32F is the freezing point and 212F is the boiling point. It makes perfect, logical sense. (Please note the rampant sarcasm implied. Please also note that sarcasm plays a key role in this whole blog.)
Have you ever noticed how the old adage of “opposites attract” doesn’t always seem to work? Look and Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton. Still shaking my head about that one. He must have made her laugh. A lot! As I tried to get the image of them out of my head, I began pondering how some things are great for one thing and terrible for another.
- A car with a tank full of gas and a stomach full of sugar are both great. A car with a full of sugar and a stomach full of gas, not so much.
- An elephant blowing water out its nose and preschoolers playing with mice are both fun to watch. And elephant playing with mice and preschoolers blowing water out their noses can both result in messes that I wouldn’t want to clean up.
- An older, chubby man dressed like Santa Claus posing for pictures is as adorable as a photo of a baby in the buff showing off a cute little tush. If they change places it causes confusion for the baby and makes the rest of us poke our eyes out seeing the old man tush.
- A twenty-something rocker jamming on a kicking lead guitar is as cool as the blue haired grandma making her pumpkin pie with her secret ingredients that make it taste amazing. When grandma rocks out, the guitar explodes on the third verse of How Great Thou Art; when the rocker adds his secret ingredient to the pumpkin pie, everyone sits around giggling at how amazing the water looks when the toilet flushes.
- The hillbilly who makes the smoothest moonshine is as handy to know as your blonde neighbor who likes to layout in the tiny bikini in the sunshine. The blonde neighbor trying to make moonshine may lead to exploding stills and seeing the hillbilly in the bikini in the sunshine will make you want to be inside the still when it does.
While looking for unusual words to be used by one of my unusual characters (his name in Tone and is one the main characters in the Spiritscape Chronicles), I stumbled across the word anatidaephobia. Now I am certain all of you are quite familiar with this irrational fear, but on the off chance that you are not well versed on your aquatic avian aversions, allow me to elaborate. It is the fear that somewhere a duck is watching you. I think it inflicts duck hunters who cannot seem to get a shot off. This is not to be confused with anatiDAFFYaobia which only has one reported case. I checked and Elmer Fudd is in therapy for this one.
As I write this blog post, I am listening to Nickelback. It’s making me think about what I would do if today was my last day. I think I’d blow off my diet and drink the largest chocolate malt I could find. Sadly, I think the song was trying to inspire something more than ice cream envy. As I have said in the past, I’m not that deep.
Some of my friends think too much. One pointed out that my humor seems to have a subtle edge that is hidden beneath a veil of sarcasm and observational levity that belies the truth that I am compensating for some hidden pain by making light of serious situations to deflect attention away from the turmoil within. I have no clue what she was talking about because I was just making a joke.
One of my favorite writers is Patrick McManus. For those of you who have not read his work, what’s wrong with you? He is one of the funniest outdoor humor writers I have ever read. Okay, he is the only outdoor humor writer I’ve ever read, but he is still hilarious. He wrote a short story about Cabin Fever he experienced as a child snowed in among the backwoods of Idaho. I don’t want to give away the ending, but I will tell you it involved white haired gnomes. See why I like his stories?
You may not have noticed, but the Winter Olympics are on. (Yes, that was sarcasm.) You may love the Olympics. You may like the Olympics. You may not care about them. But, if you have not noticed them then you must not own a TV. They are everywhere! I even went so far as to look on the map to find out where in Russia is Sochi. It’s in the southern part of the country which tells me the northern parts must be too cold for the WINTER Olympics. Time to stop complaining about when it dips below the 50s here in Tennessee.
- Ice Diving. Imagine the combination of the spectacular beauty and grace of diving with the insanity of ice fishing. You get on a diving board, bounce, flip, dive and try to make it through a tiny hole in the ice. That ice-hole is important. Without the ice-hole you can’t get back out after surviving the dive. One way in, one way out. Kind of makes the skeleton run seem safe, doesn’t it?
- Snow Polo. Do you have a horse you don’t really like that much? I’m thinking of the pony I rode as a kid that enjoyed scraping kids off its back using steel buildings to force children to choose between keeping a leg and riding a pony. If you have that kind of beast of burden, then snow polo is your sport. You play it just like regular polo – field hockey on horseback – but you play it in the snow. Now the risk of broken bones, falls, sprains and frostbite are very real dangers. But those happen to the horse you don’t like.
- Shovel Racing. I am shocked that this one isn’t in the games! You take a snow shovel, tie it to that horse you don’t mind shooting when it breaks it leg in the snow, then sit on the shovel while someone rides the horse as fast as it will go in the snow. Yeah, I want to try this one, too.
- Skijoring. Think shovel racing on skis. That is my kind of cross-country skiing. I think we should do it with snowmobiles instead of horses though. You can avoid injuries, temperamental steeds, and horse poop.
If you want to see some very interesting works of art, allow me to recommend my favorite coffee shop – Old City Java in Knoxville. It is in one of my favorite parts of an old part of town. With a name like Old City Java, who would have guessed that one? As I sit here, enjoying a cup of fresh java (the coffee is fresh even if the city is old) the art on the walls captured my attention deficit dominated brain. For almost a minute, I looked around and pondered the meanings behind the art and gave them new names that seemed to better match what was on the canvas.
While trying to come up with a blog idea for something witty, silly or just one of my normal eclectic eccentric thoughts, I turned on Pandora to help me with the soothing sounds of classical guitar strings being plucked and played, creating a soothing symphony of sounds bathing me in a relaxing review of renditions relieving Romig into relaxation. Okay, so I dozed off. When I woke of thirty minutes later, the second thing I did was change the station on Pandora. The first thing I did was get more coffee. Hint: Don’t listen to soothing music when you just wake up unless you don’t want to stay awake.