Rules That Should Be Gibbs Rules

One of my favorite shows is NCIS. The real one; not the LA or NO ones. Abby is adorable in a goth kind of way. There is something about a woman who can kill you with a thimble that made Ziva hot. The writer in me admires McGee and it has nothing to do with the fact that he is the Elf Lord and I am just a Goblin Duke. Tony was both cool and dorky all at the same time which is something I strive for. The dorky part I have down to an art! And then there is Leroy Jethro Gibbs. The Fonz could go to Gibbs for cool lessons. Anyone who can make you answer his questions before he even asks them, slap you on the back of the head to reboot your brain and snipe you from 1000 yards is truly a force of nature. Chuck Norris and Gibbs would make a team that could totally dominate the universe!
Gibbs has a series of rules that you must always follow if you want to be on and remain on his team. Rule #1: Never let suspects stay together. Rule #5: You don’t waste good. Rule #6: Never say you’re sorry. It’s a sign of weakness. Rule #39: There is no such thing as coincidence. Rule #45: Clean up the mess that you make. There are rules that are not on his list but I feel they should be. I have come up with Doug’s Rules.
  1. Never date a woman who quotes Meg Ryan from French Kiss. There is nothing wrong with the woman but it’s just creepy.
  2. Never drive a car that cost more than your first house unless it’s a Tesla.
  3. Always have a rubber ducky handy just in case you have to take a bath on a moment’s notice.
  4. When you wear Groucho glasses and mustache it does count as a cunning disguise no matter what your kids say between fits of laughter.
  5. Make sure you eat five pounds of poppy seeds before your drug test to hide the illegal Twinkie content in your blood.
  6. You should never eat chili dogs for breakfast unless you have cheese, onions, and a stomach pump.
  7. Dating a nurse is dangerous because they have access to drugs that can make your pee turn blue.
  8. When eating a Meatball Marinara Subway sandwich you are allowed to imagine that you are a subterranean monster that is eating a real New York subway and the meatballs are rolling through the tunnels picking up everything in their path.
  9. Never take a knife to an Uzi fight.
  10. It is better to give than to receive high blood pressure.
Those are my ten rules that will help you stay ahead of the curve. Even if they don’t help you I will still follow them just because they are fun.

Sticks and Stones

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Am I the only one who thinks that is a load of male bovine fecal matter? I’m a writer so I know words have power. An atomic bomb can level a city. The right words can destroy a country. Don’t believe me? Ask Czar Nicholas what he thinks of Lenin. It is a great and powerful thing to write the right words.

Dickens said so much with: “It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known.” Sydney Carton’s testimony at the end of A Tale of Two Cities has a meaning that goes beyond the ink and paper. It is a concept that even the most wasted life can have redemption and the most bloody of revolutions can result in the birth of a society.

Tolstoy shared a powerful thought when he wrote: “It’s much better to do good in a way that no one knows anything about it.”  It has a Gospel-esce sense about it. Whereas, Cervantes has a more cynical view when he allows Don Quixote to say, “I have always heard, Sancho, that doing good to base fellows is like throwing water into the sea.” Perhaps the two quotes feed one another. Keep your good deeds to yourself, if not for the sake of humility, for the sake of your reputation as an intelligent person. For the record, I disagree with Miguel’s thought.

Steinbeck showed some introspection when he wrote: “I wonder how many people I’ve looked at all my life and never seen.” That line made me consider how many people I have missed in my discontented winters. I know I have missed out on many people who could have made impacts on my life in ways that I cannot fathom.

Perhaps the most amazing words for me come from Douglas Adams. In the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, his words say, “The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.” I have no idea if it has a metaphysical, mystical, masonic meaning. I simply find it hilarious. Sometimes people need to turn off their brains and laugh at utter silliness.

Sticks and stones can break bones, but words can change the world… or at least they change my world.