A Late Night Call

It was 11:30 pm and the phone rang. It’s an unusual occurrence since most of my friends are old like me and hit the sack right after Wheel of Fortune. I saw the picture on my phone and my pulse raced. No, it wasn’t a hot babe phoning for a booty call. I’m very happily married! My version of a booty call is my wife saying, “Are you ready for bed?” Oh yeah…

Anyway, the call was from my son. I thought something must be wrong. It’s late. He goes to bed at eleven and should be asleep by now. (Yeah, I know it’s wishful thinking. Let me live in my deluded world. It’s happier here. We have cookies.) I’m a parent so I worry about things going wrong when he’s at his mom’s. You never know what could happen. He may need my help to hide the body.

Me:     Hi, Eli. What’s up?

Eli:      Dad, I had to call.

Me:     Oh no. What’s wrong? Did you finally go postal on your mom? It’s okay, son. No one will blame you. Wrap the body in a tarp and use bleach to clean up the blood. I know where there is a quarry where we can dump the body. We’ll say you were staying with me for a few days while she went away with some guy. We can pin all this on him.

Eli:      Dad, switch to decaf. Mom is fine. I just finished a really good book.

Me:     Okay. Whew. That’s a relief.

Eli:      Really? You sounded excited before and now you sound a little disappointed.

Me:     Disappointed? Me? Never! Anyway, I love a good book. Tell me more.

Eli:      It’s called How to Get Away with Murder.

Me:     Really?

Eli:      Of course not. Dad, have you considered therapy?

Me:     After my last three therapists ended up in straightjackets, I decided it was best if I just stayed crazy.

Eli:      Good plan. Anyway this book has a holy… what word do you want to add there?

Me:     Cow? Moose? Peanut butter? Oh I know: holy aardvark!

Eli:      Aardvark works for me. It has a holy aardvark moment at the end.

Me:     What’s it called?

Eli:      The Game by a guy named Terry Shoot or something like that.

Me:     Terry Schott?

Eli:      Yeah, that’s it. That holy aardvark moment is amazing!

Me:     I’ll read it tomorrow so we can talk about it when I see you on Wednesday. Now, shouldn’t you be in bed?

Eli:      I am in bed.

Me:     Shouldn’t you be sleeping?

Eli:      Really, Dad? What world are you living in?

Me:     My own. It’s nice here.

Eli:      Do you have cookies?

Me:     Of course.

Eli:      Save some for me. I’ll be back on Wednesday.

Me:     I don’t know. They are Oreos…

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