Unless you’re my pastor reading this then it was lemonade.
While driving my son to school, I heard on the radio about a hardened criminal who had escaped from prison and was on the lam, hiding from the vicious bloodhounds who had caught his scent as he struggled against all odds to reach freedom across the border into the wilds of Georgia. Well, to be honest, it was a guy who escaped from the county lockup who was in for 30-days for possessing drug paraphernalia (I had to Google how to spell that word – I wasn’t even close enough for spell check to guess) and illegal impersonation. Yes, you read that right. I didn’t even know it was illegal to do a bad impersonation. The image I have is of a man who was jailed for being stoned and doing a bad Jimmy Stewart monologue, not unlike most Jimmy Stewart impressions. Who knew it was illegal in Tennessee? This is one weird law that I think should be everywhere.
I’m sure you have all seen all kinds of videos on YouTube about the wonders of combining Mentos with Diet Coke. They create the most amazing geysers. Check out this link if you have been missing out on this cultural phenomenon.
This blog is PG rated… I cannot be held responsible for things you infer.
L. Ron Hubbard once described the mass of roads leading into and out of our Nation’s Capital as a maze designed to keep the citizens from the seat of power.He may have had a point. Back when I lived in Richmond, Virginia, I had a traumatic experience with our beloved capital. I can finally look back on it years later with some wit and witticism. (I only cried twice while writing about it!) It was on a Monday and I was taking a friend to Dulles Airport outside of DC. I followed the signs and got my friends to the airport without the slightest trouble. Then I made a major mistake. I tried to go back to Richmond.
The pastors who work really hard won’t need this bit of help I would like to offer. Now, I know some pastors who hardly work and this may be of interest. I have been asked by a couple of pastor friends if I would be willing to ghost write their newsletter articles. I explained to them that it would be deceptive and way too much fun for me to write something for which they would get the credit, glory, and blame. Plus, let’s be honest, my sense of humor would get them fired in a heartbeat.
When he was younger and just starting to think abstractly, my youngest son would frequently start sentences with the phrase: “Wouldn’t it be weird if…” (He was seven when that began! Yeah, I know. He calls himself Dad 2.0 – all the great qualities of the original, but with significant upgrades.) It got to the point I would interrupt his musing and just say, “YES!” before he explained it. He would laugh. I would laugh. Then, he would go on and explain what he thought would be weird as if I had never spoken. It’s too bad he doesn’t like English class. He still may become a writer if I can con, coerce, cajole, or convince him to try.
- Wouldn’t it be weird if your cell phone’s autocorrect actually corrected the right words instead of making your texts seem like they were sent by a demented chimpanzee on acid? Not that I’ve ever given a chimpanzee on acid. That would be wrong. It was a spider monkey at the zoo and you would not believe what he did to that banana.
- Wouldn’t it be weird if I could actually spell the word weird correctly the first time? I am certain that my computer keeps changing the spelling from weird to weird, and back again. Let’s see, it is I before E except after C unless it is a leap year, in which case it P before Y except after I…
- Wouldn’t it be weird if politicians were paid based on performance testing of their constituents like they are expecting of teachers and students? I’m not opposed to performance evaluations, but I promise I will skew that test so our politicians get pay cuts. Who’s with me on this?
- Wouldn’t it be weird if the CEO’s of Fortune 500 companies earned a salary inversely based on the number of federal investigations and class action lawsuits filed against the company? Let’s see, Bob. We had the Feds in here eight times last year, fourteen separate class action suits, and you had nine employees accuse you of sexual harassment. Adding that up, carry the two, and… let’s see… You owe us $8,385.
- Wouldn’t it be weird if we switched the meaning of the words asteroid and hemorrhoid? I am I the only one who thinks we have the words reversed? I know I have mentioned this before but I’m going to keep on mentioning it until this gets fixed!
“I woke up this morning thinking the world was totally insane and that nothing made sense. Then I realized it was just me that was crazy and made no sense. I’m fine with that.” That was my post on Facebook this morning. The first one to like that status was my mom. Not too sure that is a good thing. Nevertheless, it generated a lot of comments. Most of them were agreeing that I’m a little off my gourd. One of my favorites was “Crazy is not bad… especially when it’s creative crazy!” That may be one of the best ways to describe me.
- Rep. James P. Moran complained that members of Congress are not paid enough to live in Washington, DC. It turns out that they haven’t given themselves a pay raise in five years and are expected to survive on a measly little $174,000 a year. That’s practically minimum wage! I think we should pay them based on performance.
- In China, a jar of French Mountain air sold for $860. It seems that the air quality in Beijing is so bad that people really have to catch their breath in strange ways. My son and I have a plan to get a couple hundred Mason jars and go up into the Smokies. We will come down with enough air to pay for his college with Smoky Mountain Air! Yes, we do see the irony.
- A woman in a nursing home – in a nursing home!!! – is suing the home for subjecting her to the “unwanted” spectacle a male stripper. This lawsuit comes AFTER her son came to visit and saw the picture of her putting a dollar in his G-string. I always thought it was the son who lied to his mom about seeing strippers. You learn something new every day. Mom, take your heart meds and enjoy. I don’t mind.
- A 26-foot tall statue of Marilyn Monroe will go on display at the Grounds for Sculpture on May 4th. This 17-ton stainless steel and aluminum shows the most famous shot of the blond bombshell from The Seven Year Itch with her dress billowing. Now, I think
she was a beautiful woman, too; but do you think she would be flattered that she weighs 17-tons? I also wonder, what are the measurements of a 26-foot tall Marilyn?