The pastors who work really hard won’t need this bit of help I would like to offer. Now, I know some pastors who hardly work and this may be of interest. I have been asked by a couple of pastor friends if I would be willing to ghost write their newsletter articles. I explained to them that it would be deceptive and way too much fun for me to write something for which they would get the credit, glory, and blame. Plus, let’s be honest, my sense of humor would get them fired in a heartbeat.
That being said, I feel bad for pastors around Easter when they have so many services, studies and sermons that they don’t even have time to sleep. (Sunrise services? I’ll think about you when I wake up after 8 or 9.) I sat down to write a generic newsletter article that any pastor could use to raise up their congregations. I read through it and thought, “That is way too boring.” I took a few sips of Southern Comfort and tried again. The second version was a little more realistic, but not quite right. I finished off my glass of Southern Comfort, refilled it and tried again. The third version I felt really hit the spot based on what a friend of mine told me the other day. After… I kinda lost count… let’s say a few more glasses of Southern Comfort, I was feeling really comfortable and tried one last time. THAT one was excellent!
The next morning, after taking a few aspirin, I looked at my work and decided I should just let the pastor decide which one to use. I made it into a multiple choice newsletter format for pastors. Please select a, b, c, or d as fits your individual congregation and personality.
a) fellow believers,
b) beloved co-workers,
c) thorns in my flesh,
d) pagan scum,
it is with:
a) joy and faith
b) hope for the future
c) fear and trepidation
d) an evil and perverse pleasure
that I share with you:
a) the successes in our ministry.
b) our hopes for the future.
c) the dire situation we currently face.
d) my therapy bills.
Last month our attendance numbers were:
a) soaring to heavenly heights.
b) maintaining a steady level.
c) in a slow and sad decline.
Our gifts to God in offering plate show:
a) our giving is rivaling that of Solomon.
b) hope for meeting our goals.
c) that bankruptcy laws are there for a reason.
d) that you have a found a way to take money back.
The church council has:
a) been praising God for his blessings
b) been encouraged and is looking for ways to grow
d) changed its name to the Mod Squad
and has asked me to:
a) have a service of thanksgiving for all our blessings.
b) encourage you to remain faithful.
d) dress up like Larry the Cucumber and sing the haircut song while braiding my leg hair.
Taking all this into account, the theme for our sermons will be:
a) “The Faithful are Blessed in Many Ways.”
b) “Our Hope is in Christ.”
c) “Why You’re All Going to Hell.”
d) “The Eschatological Christology in I’m a Little Teapot.”
with a Bible study series on:
a) “The Joy in Philippians.”
b) “The Salvation in Romans.”
c) “The Judgment on this Congregation in Revelation”
d) “The Parallels between the Temptation of Christ by Satan and the hunting of Bugs Bunny by Elmer Fudd.”
In conclusion, I pray:
a) God’s continued blessing on each of you.
b) you hold fast to your faith in Jesus.
c) you will please leave this church and go torture a Buddhist church.
d) that I will someday be allowed out of this padded cell.
Any similarity between the fictitious congregations mentioned here and the place where you worship is unintentional, but not the least bit surprising.