Road Rags

I’ve heard people talking about road rage for quite a while. As easy-going and tense-free as many people know that I am not, you may find it hard to fathom that I could ever have road rage. It’s true. No, no, don’t try to argue with me. I have to admit my own weaknesses even if they are brought on by people who, through no fault of mine, don’t know how to drive. Don’t worry. I’m not the type who would pull out a deer rifle and shoot at someone on the interstate. I like bazookas.

I think that some people are road rags. There are the people who should never be given a bicycle license let alone a license to drive any kind of motorized vehicle. They are as useless as the old rags I use to clean the dipstick while I’m checking the oil and wondering what it means. Imagine you are driving along, late for something (as usual) and you get behind one of these road rags who is arrogantly driving the speed limit in the fast lane! What kind of idiot does that!? (Of course I would never exceed the speed limit, officer.) Oh sure. THEY left home with plenty of time to get where they are going. So what if they have foresight, planning, patience and intellect on their side. You and I are in a hurry! That counts more that all that other junk!

Consider how inconsiderate some other drivers can be. Have you ever been on your way to see family that live a mere 41,353 miles away from you and got stuck behind someone who actually slows down when driving through the construction zones that highway departments place every 2.7 miles? That is just rude! Don’t they realize that you have only gone 3 miles and still have 41,350 miles to go? How could they slow down to 60 miles per hour? Don’t they know that means you’re only making 1 mile per minute instead of 1.16667 miles per minute at 72? That adds up!

The one that really doesn’t bother me is one that really makes some people go into a rage is funeral processions. Have you ever been on your way to a job interview and got stuck behind a long line of cars heading to the cemetery to pay their final respects to a dearly departed loved one. You may come up with some other phrases to describe the deceased, but they are dearly departed to those in the line holding you up and costing you that first impression of promptness and punctuality. As much as this may bug you, it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Perhaps it is because I’ve got a peace that keeps me calm, cool and collected. Perhaps it’s because I have a high respect for the sanctity of the final farewell we say to passed people. The real reason is that I like to ride in hearses and watch all of you sweating as we pass by. Muhahahahahaha! (Okay. That may have been a little over the top!)

I guess there is something to be said for letting things flow away like water off a duck’s back. There is also something to be said for putting a sweater on a duck so it knows how heavy and crabby we feel when we get wet. Whether you are a road-rager or a road-ragger there is only one thing you need to remember: Stay out of my way when I’m in a hurry and driving in the fast lane!

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