Let’s all welcome 2019 with a cheer. Yea. That was lackluster people. I know things look a little bleak right now. Political pressure in many countries (including my own) make tensions rise higher than Keith Richards on the last leg of a Rolling Stones tour. There never seem to be effective solutions to the most egregious errors of our age. I am offering a solution to one area where I can help.
Have you been in the grocery store and stopped in the cereal aisle to get some no-name Froot Loops and witnessed the extreme negotiations between a passive parent an prepubescent putz? Me too. In the 1970s when I was prepubescent, my parents negotiated with me, too.
Doug: Can I have Super Sugar Crisp? PLEEEEEASE!”
End of negotiations. For the record, they were really called Super Sugar Crisp. Back then we didn’t know how bad sugar was for you. Now they are Super Golden Crisps which are Super Sugar Crisps after a marketing team fixed them. I checked. The only difference is Golden Snaps have more chemicals.
These days I feel there should be more negotiations on the political level and less on the parent and child level. I have created the following step-by-step guide to help parents.
GPP – General Parenting Plan
- Your child is displaying behavior which is considered contrary to socially acceptable norms. i.e. aggressively debating with adults (talking back), assertive use of force with another individual (hitting his sister when she takes back her Barbie doll before he can dismember it), using kitchen appliances in an improper manner (putting the cat in the microwave).
- Remove the child from the situation. This is accomplished by picking up the kicking and screaming child and moving them to a windowless, soundproof room.
- Close the door. At this point, it is a judgement call as to which side of the door the parent is on. If the child has a weapon (bat, knife, Uzi, small tactical nuclear warhead) it would wise to leave them alone for somewhere between five minutes and three days.
- Once the parent and child are on the same side of the door, grasp the child and sit down on a bed or couch.
- Place the child over the parent’s knee face-down. If the parent is right-handed, the head of the child should be on the left. If left-handed, reverse the child.
- Take the dominant hand and hold it 12 to 18 inches (30 to 45 centimeters) away from the behindal region of the aforementioned child and move it rapidly until it makes contact with both of the gluteus maximus muscles.
- If the attitude of the child remains unchanged, repeat step 6.
- If the attitude of the child has worsened, repeat step 6 but increase the distance, speed and impact velocity by 50%. After the 23rd increases with worsening attitude, proceed to step 10.
- If the attitude of the child has improved, release the child with a reminder it hurt them more than you.
- If the child has devolved into an even worse attitude, leave them alone in the soundproof room, and order a Taser. Once the device arrives (if you are feeling magnanimous or vengeful you can pay for the overnight shipping), carefully open the door of the soundproof room. When the child makes a run for the border, use the laser site to track the target and gently squeeze the trigger. Note: holding the shock button until the battery dies may be a bit excessive unless the kid really deserves it.
I hope this step-by-step guide is useful for you. For the record, this is intended as a joke. If you actually use the Taser, be warned child protective service tends to frown on that. Make sure you put a butcher knife next to the quivering child so you can claim self defense with a non-lethal weapon.
It’s just a joke people. Or is it?