It was 11:30 pm and the phone rang. It’s an unusual occurrence since most of my friends are old like me and hit the sack right after Wheel of Fortune. I saw the picture on my phone and my pulse raced. No, it wasn’t a hot babe phoning for a booty call. I’m very happily married! My version of a booty call is my wife saying, “Are you ready for bed?” Oh yeah…
Anyway, the call was from my son. I thought something must be wrong. It’s late. He goes to bed at eleven and should be asleep by now. (Yeah, I know it’s wishful thinking. Let me live in my deluded world. It’s happier here. We have cookies.) I’m a parent so I worry about things going wrong when he’s at his mom’s. You never know what could happen. He may need my help to hide the body.
Me: Hi, Eli. What’s up?
Eli: Dad, I had to call.
Me: Oh no. What’s wrong? Did you finally go postal on your mom? It’s okay, son. No one will blame you. Wrap the body in a tarp and use bleach to clean up the blood. I know where there is a quarry where we can dump the body. We’ll say you were staying with me for a few days while she went away with some guy. We can pin all this on him.
Eli: Dad, switch to decaf. Mom is fine. I just finished a really good book.
Me: Okay. Whew. That’s a relief.
Eli: Really? You sounded excited before and now you sound a little disappointed.
Me: Disappointed? Me? Never! Anyway, I love a good book. Tell me more.
Eli: It’s called How to Get Away with Murder.
Eli: Of course not. Dad, have you considered therapy?
Me: After my last three therapists ended up in straightjackets, I decided it was best if I just stayed crazy.
Eli: Good plan. Anyway this book has a holy… what word do you want to add there?
Me: Cow? Moose? Peanut butter? Oh I know: holy aardvark!
Eli: Aardvark works for me. It has a holy aardvark moment at the end.
Me: What’s it called?
Eli: The Game by a guy named Terry Shoot or something like that.
Me: Terry Schott?
Eli: Yeah, that’s it. That holy aardvark moment is amazing!
Eli: I am in bed.
Me: Shouldn’t you be sleeping?
Eli: Really, Dad? What world are you living in?
Me: My own. It’s nice here.
Eli: Do you have cookies?
Me: Of course.
Eli: Save some for me. I’ll be back on Wednesday.
Me: I don’t know. They are Oreos…