Airport Apparel – Part Five

Just when you think you’ve seen it all you are proven wrong. It was a different day in a different airport. Being curious to test my theory of airport apparel in another place, I found myself looking for people who fit into my four categories of “Those I Didn’t Even Notice”, the “Over-Dressed”, the “Under-Dressed”, and the “Nearly Dressed”. As I looked around this new airport I saw many of the people who would quite neatly fit into the first category of those who do not stand out. There were many, many people who would fit into the over-dressed category. I saw more suits and ties than I did at my last insurance conference. (Yes, I have been to one!) No evening dresses per se. I did see some very interesting things that fit into the yet to be mentioned fifth category. I also saw some people wearing some of the most unusual items that can best be described as trash bags. Also there was this one woman wearing a form-fitting body suit with a body that really made it look good. If spandex is a privilege and not a right, she was very privileged! I went to the wrong concourse because of her!

The new category would probably fit in most major airports; however, this airport was the best for this group. Did I mention where I was? I didn’t? It was a long layover at Washington Dulles International Airport! Oh yeah! I have a long a sordid relationship with this airport. As long as I am not driving away from it or set foot outside of it or have to be there for more than an hour or two, I’m fine with it. It did get me lost one time but that is another story.
Ok. I won’t make you wait any longer. The new airport apparel is Those Who Are Wearing Things That Are Beyond Anything I Have Ever Imagined! I know what you’re thinking: “With his weird imagination this could be interesting.” I’m hoping you are thinking that because it makes me feel good. Don’t tell me what you’re really thinking. My tender psyche can’t handle the truth some days.
These people were amazing! Now to be fair, in their home countries I am quite sure they would fit into the Unnoticed Nonsense we have already mentioned. But here?! My thoughts wandered from amused to shocked to confused to be mocked. There was one man who reminded me of every Africa jungle movie I watched in my politically incorrect childhood. He had the headdress made of red cloth towering and covering what must have been a tall afro and the flowing robes of a tribal chieftain. There was something in his nose that looked suspiciously like a human ulna. I suspect he was on his way to congress, the White House or McDonalds. He looked hungry and I got nervous remembering the stories of cannibals from Gilligan’s Island. I hope he made it to Micky-Ds.
There were several people who looked like they came out of one of Scheherazade’s 1001 tales and, being Washington, they seemed quite normal. Except for this one who didn’t quite get the memo on how to dress in DC. He looked like he had walked out of Aladdin, but he

didn’t look like Aladdin. It wasn’t his appearance that surprised me, it was his aroma. I do not know when he bathed last. Based on the fumes that seemed to waft off him I theorized it was in the early 90’s. He had a WAKE of humanity behind him creating a dead zone no one dared enter! There was one brave teenage boy who was showing off to his girlfriend and walked into the middle of it. The paramedics were able to revive him two hours later with minimal brain damage. I just caught a glancing blow but it made me wish I had no sense of smell. There are no words that truly explain this odor but if you take a spoiled, raw egg and wrap it around greenish ground beef put it in a bag with some decaying cabbage then leave it a port-a-john in the west Texas sun for 52 days… you still would not come close to the smell. Then I considered the plane he had just been in. That is one 747 that will need to be bleached, cleaned with ammonia and then buried in the place we keep toxic waste.

The last person I pondered was from Japan. No one has never seen that many vibrant colors in one place! Being I guy I look for red, green, yellow, blue, orange, gray, black and occasionally pink. I do not know what to call some of those colors. Ummmm… hmmmm… bright! Yeah! Bright! This flowing dress had all the colors of the rainbow and every variation of every color in between. There were even a few strands of fabric that drifted into the ultraviolet and infrared spectrums. I think she enjoyed the attention because she was smiling at all the onlookers leering without lechery but with curiosity. It was hypnotic! After watching her pass my thoughts wandered and for some reason I found myself wanting a new PlayStation. Coincidence or the subtly subliminal manipulation? You be the judge.

Well that is it. I can’t think of anything else that could possible lead to a part six of this quintilogy but I haven’t been in a foreign airport in a while.