You know who you are. I’m talking to those of you who think you know enough about internal combustion to get behind the wheel of a couple tons of metal, plastic and some other things that I’m not sure have names, and drive on the streets, highways, roads and a few sidewalks. (I saw you, sidewalk-driving lady!) Have you considered the fact that most people think they are above average drivers? That means that above average is now the average which means that those of you who were previously below average are now in the “sucky driver” category and those who refuse to drive are in the “brilliant” category. I’m beginning to think Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory may have a point when he says he is too evolved to drive.
- If you have never successfully parallel parked, you are a bad driver.
- If you have successfully parallel parked on a busy street, you are a good driver.
- If you have ever parallel parked a bus while juggling hedgehogs on the interstate, you are an amazing driver.
- If you do not know how to use a turn signal, you are a bad driver, or at least someone who drives in Knoxville.
- If you use your turn signal when changing lanes, turning, or even before parallel parking, you are a good drive.
- If you can psychically convey to the four drivers behind you that you are going to go around the block and come back to get the parking place that is about to be vacated by the little, blue-haired lady with the walker, and if any of them try to get it before you get back you will recreate the big truck scene from Road Warrior on them; then you are an amazingly scary driver.
- If you slam on the brakes a block and a half away because you have no depth perception and thought that red light was right on top of you, then you are a bad driver who probably has several dents in the rear bumper of your car.
- If you carefully apply the brakes, giving proper stopping distance between you and light, and are careful to not allow any portion of your vehicle to enter the crosswalk, then you qualify for sainthood and should speak to Cardinal Ferrari at the Vatican as soon as possible.
- If you roar up to the light, skidding to a stop, causing the Boy Scout helping the old man cross the street to break the scout law about being both clean and reverent, then you are an awesome driver who needs to change his tires on a monthly basis.