Diary of My Family’s Decent into Stir-Crazy Madness – Day 11

It is amazing the how good sleep changes things. Somehow I slept through day 9 and stumbled my way through day 10 as if I had been drugged. I’m beginning to suspect my iced tea the other night may have had something other than Lipton in it. Now that I think back through the hazy memory, the chemical taste did have a trace of vodka-style flavor mixed in with it. How dangerous can alcohol and Ambien be? Then again, a 36-hour nap was quite restful.

I heard the dog watched me for hours. Now that I think about it, she watches me all the time as if she is spying on me. Hold it! That’s the linchpin of the entire conspiracy around my family’s decent into madness. It’s the dog! She is behind it all. I should have known better than to trust her. Every time she walks up to my chair, wagging and smiling with puppy pleasantness and pseudo-doggy-delight, she is gauging my reaction to her Machiavellian manipulations. Who know she read The Prince? That little bitch is cunning. (By the way, I used the b-word as an appropriate descriptor for those who have sensitive eyes.)

A few minutes ago, while sitting peacefully in my recliner, I was startled by an unwarranted and undeserved attack on my person. That clever canine hopped right onto my lap and stood on me while staring into my eyes. It was downright hypnotic. Then I heard a distinctly doggy declaration in my mind saying, “Everything will be fine if you give in to my will.”

I jumped to my feet, obviously startling the dog, the wife and the daughter as all three looked at me with fear in their eyes. They knew I was onto them once again. This enforced confinement has in no way diminished my cognitive abilities despite the continual onslaught of all three of the females with whom I am enclosed. But now I know the real mastermind. It is the dog! She is behind it all!!

A proper response is totally called for. I know because I called for it just now! This evening I will make a fire in the fire pit! (Muahahahahaha! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!) We will roast hot dogs over the open flame. I feel certain the symbolism of what I am capable of doing will not be lost on the mastermind.

Note: This is a work of humor and fiction. I would never harm the dog… unless she started it.