Although I am completely immune to the affects of Stir-Crazy Madness, sadly, my family does not possess the same internal fortitude and mental might to resist the pressure of prolonged social isolation. Since they are going slowly crazy, they appear to have conspired to drive me to the same level of insanity by their subtle manipulations. However, I am on to their schemes and will prevail.
What have they been doing to drag me down to their level of irrationality? I’m glad you asked. It is the new purpose of this blog to share with you the intricate machinations of mental manipulation so that, like me, you too can survive the social distancing brought on by the Novel Coronavirus Quarantine of 2020.
This morning, my wife began by loudly eating her oatmeal. Do you have any idea how loud oatmeal is? It’s insidious!! She thought she was being sneaky, but I could hear every bite, every chew, each tiny move of the jaw muscles as she munched the meal. I watched her like a hawk as she shamelessly continued assaulting my senses. After glancing in my direction, she stopped, obviously alarmed that I was on to her scheme. She looked at me and feigned concern.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, an innocent look pasted on her face.
I chuckled. “Muhahahaha. As if you don’t know!”
“I think those eggs have gone bad, honey. Let me make you something else.”
I grabbed my plate and began to shovel my breakfast into my mouth. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
She walked away, shaking her head. The confused look on her face was an excellent cover for the disappointment she really felt knowing she had failed to get the better of me.
A couple of hours later, my daughter lounged in the sunroom watching one of the Twilight movies – blinking. Yeah, it’s like that. Have you ever heard a teenage girl blinking? It’s like the cymbals at the crescendo of Wagner’s “The Ride of the Valkyries”. Over and over and over. She pretended to be engrossed in the love triangle between Bella, Edward and Jacob, but I knew the truth. My daughter’s acting skills rival those of Kristen Stewart. She jumped straight up five feet when I confronted her by calmly demanding, “Do you really think I don’t know what you’re doing?!”. I had no clue she could do that from a laying position. The talent of that girl boggles the mind. If only she would use her talents for good instead of evil.
I sat at the table enjoying the dinner I prepared in isolation from the harpies determined to drive me over the edge. My family kept shooting me sideways glances as if there is something wrong with me. We all know the only thing wrong with me is the methodical manipulations of my family. But I shall prevail. I’m getting sleepy but I must remain on guard. I wonder why my iced tea has the odd flavor of Ambien. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that it… zzzzzzzz.