Don’t Try This At Home

I was watching an old episode of Mythbusters the other day. They always begin the show by saying, “Don’t do what you are about to see at home.” Then they add, “Ever!” Personally, I’m a little insulted by that. I know that I am not supposed to blow up a huge concrete truck with more explosives than most third world countries have in their entire arsenal. I would never try that even if I could get my hands on that kind of ammonium nitrate without the friendly neighborhood agents of Homeland Security showing up at my door with a one-way ticket to Cuba. Everyone knows that C-4 works better.

The reason that disclaimer is on there is to protect the lovable goofs on Mythbusters from being sued by Bubba’s next of kin, who thought that he too could make a model of the Hindenburg that would ignite without blowing him up, too. “Your honor, Bubba should have been warned that filling a tiny blimp with highly a combustible combination of hydrogen and moonshine could result in blowing his double-wide from Deerkill, Tennessee to a suburb right outside of Denver.” The show would be canceled immediately and the guys labeled as bad influences on the stupid amongst us.

I feel it is time that we get some laws out there to protect us from stupidity. I am hereby issuing a challenge to Congress to pass a law against suing because someone was stupid. I am calling it the “Survival of the Fittest Legislation”. Consider, if you will, a woman watching a show on Brazilian waxing. (My personal opinion is

that should be called an Australian Wax since it is getting rid of hair down under.) Since she is too cheap to pay someone to get rid of the hair down there, she goes to the Dollar Tree and buy fourteen candles and two rolls of duct tape. And hour later, she has third degree burns and an issue with wax in places that should never have wax. Dollar Tree and the TV show about waxing would be out millions in pain and suffering damages. Unless there is a law to protect them. With the “Survival of the Fittest Legislation” those fine institutions would be protected, plus the woman would not be interested in reproduction any time soon.

Another time this law would be applicable would be for any car commercial that depicts their vehicle doing something on “a closed course with a professional driver.” Of course it’s a closed course. A normal car can’t change lanes like that without being slammed around like a pinball by a SUV, two VW Beetles, a Yugo and a Pinto that bursts into flame. Anyone who wants to try to stand there, as car fly past at speeds nearing Mach 2, deserves what happens.

Now, of course this law would not apply to situations where there was a logical reason for the person to perform a feat that was displayed on America’s Got Talent. I don’t care what they say, I was really sure I could have my buddy, Jim Bob, break that concrete block on my belly with the twelve pound sledge. I’m going after millions since they encouraged me to try that.

On an unrelated topic, does anyone know someone who is a chest cavity donor? Mine has a hole it in.