The Mentos Treatment

I’m sure you have all seen all kinds of videos on YouTube about the wonders of combining Mentos with Diet Coke. They create the most amazing geysers. Check out this link if you have been missing out on this cultural phenomenon.

Those guys really need to get girlfriends.
Anyway, one morning while trying to wake up with some carbonated caffeine, I decided to freshen my breath at the same time. Please remember, I was half asleep at that moment. I had just dropped off my son at school – yes, I drive half asleep – and stopped for a drink and some mints. I had not had Mentos is such a long time, I thought it was high time I ate a few. As with so many other moments of monumental stupidity in my life, the soundtrack should be the music from Jaws. Without going into detail, let me tell you I discovered a new and rather dramatic way of cleaning out ones sinuses. Did you know that you can shoot Mentos-charged Diet Coke twenty-seven feet… through your nose! I am kidding of course. It was impossible to measure distance since I was in my car at the time. The guys at Simonize passed out when they saw the interior of my car.
After that incident, I considered marketing my Diet Coke-Mentos sinus treatment to the masses. Other than the mild side effects like the excessive burning of nasal passages, the loss of the ability to smell anything but Diet Coke and Mentos for three days, ringing ears (I have no idea why that happened), and the doubling the size of nostrils, I felt this could be a very effective treatment for those who suffer from stuffy noses. Then again, people can be so picky about ringing ears.
My oldest son suggested next time I swallow the Mentos first and then add the Diet Coke. He is studying to be an engineer and those engineers are methodical in their problem solving techniques. Plus, my son has a twisted sense of humor. I think he got it from his mom because I still have mine. That idea got me thinking about a new, cost-effective, highly-entertaining-for-everyone-who-hears-the-story, way to prepare for a colonoscopy. Yes, I am going there.
Consider, if you will, a man faced with the unwelcome (or perhaps enjoyable if he is into that kind of thing) prospect of having a camera take a rather unflattering movie of his lower intestine. A man who lives in fear, knowing that the prep is worse than the procedure where he will be in la-la land. You are now entering the Where-the-Sun-Don’t-Shine-Zone. Da da daaaam. (That’s as close as I can get to Twilight Zone music.) Many writers have written on the joys of taking the plutonium-enriched laxatives used to clean out their systems prior to this lovely experience. I yield to the master, Dave Barry, whose description in the Miami Herald is amazing! Check it out:
But let’s consider another possibility. What if we could harness the power of Diet Coke and Mentos as a means to help clean out a stubborn colon? The prep would involve swallowing a tube of Mentos and a two-liter of Diet Coke. Jump up and down twice. Sit down in on the commode. Use a five-point harness system that is used by pilots of the F-22 Raptor for supersonic flight. Start flushing and don’t stop! It is my belief that your entire digestive tract will be clean as a whistle – although I’m not sure it will sound like a whistle, but you never know – in no time at all. Bonus, your butt will have a minty freshness for your proctologist the next day. It’s the least you can do for him for what he will be doing to you.