For the record, I do not have a problem with smokers. Many of my closest friends smoke. Admittedly, I don’t understand the appeal. I tried smoking three times in my life. One was a cigar I got from a friend back when it was still politically correct to give out cigars when their wife went through hours of labor to bring a new life into the world. It made me sick. The cigar, not the baby. Well, the baby did, too when it spit up on my new Polo shirt a few months later.
Another time I experimented with tobacco was a cigarette. I was stressed and knew people who said it help them relax. They must not inhale. It just made me cough and burned my lungs.
The very first time I smoked I was on fire at the time so I don’t think that counts. It was a freak campfire incident. Don’t ask.
That being said, I walked put of Panera the other day and started coughing because it’s Spring and pollen and I have a contentious relationship. I didn’t even notice the man smoking right by the door. He was in the mood for a fight so he started it.
“You non-smokers think you have the right to mock us with your fake coughs.”
After I restarted my heart because he scared me half to death, I looked around and saw a small, middle-aged man puffing away on an unfiltered Pall Mall. I considered explaining about allergies but two things stopped me. 1) I don’t battle wits with unarmed people. 2) He was smoking unfiltered cigarettes so I figured he didn’t have long to live anyway.
I smiled kindly as I approached. “I agree. You do have the right to smoke. Have a nice day.”
Then I released an Olympic gold medal fart and walked to my car. I don’t know whether his wheezing was from the cigarette or the methane I left behind. I’d like to think I had a little to do with it.
I always thought of you as an Olympic level athlete. It’s good to know that you do, too.
Wasn’t expecting that but one never knows what to expect when Doug is writing. Personally, I thought it was pretty funny