What to Expect When You’re Expecting… Covid-19

When I was much younger than I am now, I read a book to prepare me for fatherhood. It was called What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Since my eldest son just turned 27 and I am almost twice that age, my memory of the details is getting sketchier by the day. I can, however, sing all the lyrics of every song on Def Leppard’s Hysteria album perfectly. Well, I can sing them as perfectly as I could when the album came out in 1987. According to my Shazam app, I’ve been singing about pouring sugar on the wrong things for 30 years.

Before I go on, let me add a disclaimer. For the record, I am apolitical – neither Democrat nor Republican. I consider myself a liberal conservative with progressive traditional leanings. Surprise: I don’t fit any mold. If you have issues with Covid-19 along political party lines, good for you. My views are based on science and the numbers I see in my area. Feel free to get mad if it makes you happy.

This is a serious situation and is not a laughing matter. But when have I ever shied away from being inappropriately funny? Here is a list of things to consider as we deal with Covid-19.

1. Masks may keep you from spraying when you speak but do nothing to help when you enter a bathroom after someone else has committed the kind of chemical assault that was banned by the Geneva Convention.
2. Along those same lines, I think Taco Bell should be the last place allowed to reopen during these unsettled times to prevent as many anal atrocities as possible.
3. If you have Covid-19, you have my genuine sympathy and I hope you fully recover and get back to your “normal” self (whatever that may look like) … unless you got it at Covid party. (That is a party where people go to get Covid-19 to get it over with.)
4. People who go to Covid-19 parties and get Covid-19 should be considered for Darwin Awards.
5. Celebrities should do what they can to keep our morale up doing what they do best: entertain the masses. However, when asked their opinions about Covid-19, politics or the media, they need to be reminded that opinions are like bellybuttons. Everyone has one and they don’t serve a purpose anymore.
6. Everyone is entitled to an opinion about Covid-19, politics or the media. Please refer back to the advice given to celebrities.
7. Once in a while, something funny happens and it is great to post that to the social media platform of your choice. Thank you. I have laughed at so many things I’ve lost count.
8. Every day, posting something you think is funny to the social media platform of your choice gets old after the third day. We know you are lonely or an attention sponge (not the first noun that came to mind here). Get a hobby. I’m learning Russian, German and improving my Spanish.
9. Remember: The Corona virus is not cause by Corona beer any more than it is caused by Dos Equis, Modelo, Coors, Bud, or Miller. PBR has taste issues not related to the virus that deem it too dangerous to drink.
10. Stop taking yourself so seriously. It’s a pandemic. You’re not alone. We are all in this together and someday we will look back on all this and laugh about how silly it all was. Or the alien archeologists will one day examine the remains of our planet and marvel at how clean our asses were thanks to toilet paper hording even though we all died from the pandemic.

Smile a little. It’s just a joke… I hope.