You may not have noticed, but I do not tend to write about serious things on my blog. It’s true. Please don’t think I’m not a serious individual. I’m not, but I don’t want you to think that. Serious is something most people do. For my part, I read constantly and not just fiction. Mostly,fiction but I also read Men’s Health so I can get ideas about all the exercises I will never do. I listen to the news where I check out CNN and Fox News. It’s good to hear both sides when you try to decide what you’re not going to believe. (I think the truth is usually in the middle unless they agree. Then I have no clue what to believe!) There are all kinds of podcasts on my playlist that range from conspiracy theories, to mysteries, to stories about serial killers. They are for writing research, not a guide for my life… that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
I think this is a place where you can come to relax, laugh, and read something that may or may not have a deep hidden meaning with philosophical ramifications which could change your life and guide you to the ultimate truth. If you find something in here that has great philosophical ramifications which change your life and guide you to the ultimate truth, that was totally intended and not mere chance based on what you were thinking at the time.
All that being said, I need to talk to you about something that is very important to me and has been weighing on me for quite some time…
Why do people fart in public and then go away? We have all been there when the empty elevator door opens and we step in only to be assaulted by the remnants of someone’s gordita induced gas. As I guy, I can appreciate the level of disgust. However, it is embarrassing when you go down one floor and someone else gets on. All you can do is say it was like that when you found it and blame it on 98-pound Becky in accounting who disallowed your expense for tequila on that business trip.
Let me be the first to tell tales on myself. Several years ago, my family and I ate at the Old Mill Restaurant in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. If you have never eaten there, I strongly encourage you to try it. Plan to spend a few hours because it takes forever to get a seat. That may be an exaggeration. Last time it was three days short of forever. My apologies for such flagrant hyperbole. It’s good, home cooking, not fancy but tasty. They serve food family-style with all-you-can-eat sides. There is where the problem comes in. When you eat all-you-can of veggies and sides, it tends to transform a digestive system into a weapon of mass gas destruction.
After we left the restaurant, we needed to walk off some of the food, so we headed into one of the many stores they have at the Old Mill to grind away at your wallet. My family was admiring some souvenirs with their names engraved or etched or just painted and the rumbling began deep within my soul… or colon. I think they are closely linked. It took Herculean effort, but I was able to release enough methane to blast a Texas-sized hole in the ozone layer without making a sound. ((BOWS)) Sometimes flatulate and think, “That might not even stink.” This was not one of those times. Before it even crept up to nose level, I was certain the turnip greens and cabbage with onions and bacon were a bad idea thirty minutes earlier. I love my sons and I wanted to get them to safety, so I ushered them down the next aisle. They were irritated that I would not allow them to look at the shot glasses. They were too young to drink anyway.
All that would make for a mildly amusing story. What makes it hilarious is what happened next. As we walked away, I saw another man, innocently walking up to where we had been to perhaps purchase a coffee mug to commemorate his meal. The poor fool! As soon as he walked into the invisible fumed fog I had left behind, I heard a moan followed by the words: “Awww JEEEEZ!” If the “Awww-JEEEEZ” guy is reading this, I’d like to say I’m sorry. I can’t honestly say that, but I’d like to. I laugh every time I tell that story and even laughed while writing it.
Wait, that explains it! That’s why people fart and run. It’s funny. Not for the one who walks into it, but for everyone else, it’s funny.
And that’s why I’m so un-serious. It’s gas.